I decided to approach my first week addressing my inner scaredy chicken, by taking a step back and looking at what my self talk is doing. Instead of reacting to my thoughts I decided to act upon them and make myself accountable. Your thoughts, like a muscle, need to be trained to move a certain way. If a muscle is tight, you need to work at it, stretching it, warming it up and practicing to get it to become used to being utilized in a new way, then it gets stronger. It wasn’t easy to remember to look at my thoughts, they are ,after all on autopilot from years of having the “what if?” attitude. This is what has been quietly sucking my energy, causing feelings of overwhelmness and inadequacy, which then quite often stops me from even attempting to follow through on a thought, idea or plan. This all started again, when I had the idea I would step out of my comfort zone
to go cross country skiing at the lodge.. alone. Not wait until a friend was available to come along, but just go by myself. It may seem trivial to some, but for me it was going to be a big step, and it almost didn’t happen. My scaredy chicken was creeping in subtly. I didn’t notice it at first. I just remember as I was gathering my gear and getting dressed, I started to feel really tired, like I needed a nap! It was only 11:00 am. Thankfully, I stopped to really looked at why I felt this way. In my mind, I was not only going to go to the lodge, but while there, I was going to perform optimally. I was going to have proper form, ski at a fast pace, doing it for at least an hour, all while making sure I was pushing myself to talk to strangers . If I was going to do this I was going all out to perform optimally in every way. No wonder I get overwhelmed and fearful. Who can live up to those expectations? Of course I started to feel tired, I’m exhausted just thinking about this as I write! So I decided to go easy on myself. First, what will it take to get me there….just get me there. We can address my performance after that. Let’s see, I throw my skis, poles and boots in the car, get my winter wear on, then sit my scaredy chicken ass in the driver’s seat. Now turn on the ignition, push the gas pedal and remain in this position for 20 minute. Pretty Damn Easy. As I’m driving , I’m thinking, “baby steps, baby steps”. Don’t try to set up lofty expectations, anything you do , no matter how small, is better than doing nothing at all. I arrive, grab my gear and head to the lodge. I notice other people there alone as well. Not everyone t has an entourage.(Another crazy notion that must have been floating around in my mind.) While I’m putting on my boots, I can see that there are other scaredy chickens around me. They are avoiding eye contact, like I find myself doing sometimes when I feel uncomfortable. (see, we are not alone) Leil Lowndes, author of How To Talk To Anyone, made me aware of how many of us tend to shut people down because of our body language when we enter a room. So I decided to try to be aware of this. Yes I was uncomfortable, but I was going to look at least one person in the eye and say “Good Morning,” as if I belonged there….which I did, as did everyone else. What did I think would happen? Would they kick me out? Tell me they knew I was a beginner, so I better be able to keep up with the big boys or I was out? These are the thoughts that I find rolling around in my mind when I stop and ask myself “what am I afraid of?” Ridiculous thoughts!! I did look the next person in the eye, and said good morning with a smile. Guess What? They said good morning back! What a Revelation!! They didn’t challenge me to a race, or push me down or tell me to go to Hell…WOW!!
Getting my butt to the lodge, was empowering, saying Good Morning, also empowering. Now on to skiing. The minute I got out there, I realized how unrealistic my prior inner thoughts had been. This was all about me, just enjoying myself, amongst other people doing the same. Our own paces, our own style, our own skill level, or lack of..It felt good to lift that silly weight of perfectionism/fear off of my shoulders. An added test was that I must have pulled something, because my hip was really hurting not long after I started, which became worse…I had to get back to the lodge, so proceeded to ski with a quasi moto gate, got turned around on the trail a bit, making it longer than necessary, and it was OK!! I didn’t care how I looked, nor did anyone else. Nobody knew I couldn’t read the trail maps correctly and got turned around. Who would care anyway?? All in all though,I was literally out there for only probably 20 minutes, but I felt Wonderful! Even with my hip pain! I had pushed through.! It wasn’t about how I performed, it was that I had shown up! My baby steps for next week will be to just show up. Also, using the advice of Leil Lowndes, be more aware of the way I can make myself more approachable when I do show up. I’ll have tips from her in the “tool box” at the right of my site. Wish me Luck. I would say to you,”Look at your thoughts”. It is surprisingly hard to remember to do this. Then question the fears. You will find most of them ridiculously funny.. so laugh at yourself. Now take a teeny, tiny baby step and see what happens,